If you’ve been reading this blog all year you might get the impression that my wife hates golf. That’s really only half true. She likes to golf but has no use for golf. Come to think of it, she only likes it when she’s actually on the golf course. She doesn’t lose sleep the night before she plays because she’s so excited (guilty) and she doesn’t talk about it afterwards (guilty again). It’s possible that her life is simply more fulfilling than mine and that, for her, golf is simply a pleasant and occasional diversion. It’s also possible that I’m very sick.

After a round I can usually not only recall each of my strokes but each of my partners as well. My wife – complete blank on the shots but can tell you what each of us was wearing. The only way I can remember what clothes someone was wearing is if they had an accident in them or dribbled something on them and left a stain. Now that’s good stuff.

I guess it goes without saying that she also can’t stand to watch it on tv but that I understand. While I happen to love watching golf I also have no problem falling asleep when it’s on. There’s a fine line between peaceful and flat out boring and regular PGA events and the Champions Tour live on that edge. Oddly, when Tiger is playing and the outcome seems pre-ordained there’s a sense of drama and “I might be witnessing history” that keeps me wide awake. But even when Tiger is hunting down another giant check I use the DVR, which I believe was invented by a woman who’s husband likes to watch golf. I can watch every shot of a 5 hour telecast in about an hour and I don’t have to waste a precious sunny afternoon. I can wait until the kids (and wife) are in bed and then fly by all the pre-shot routines, decision making (is it the hard 7 or the smooth 6 here, Rossi?), endless pontificating, Lanny Wadkins, the same three commercials played 300 times, post-round interviews that consist of:

Interviewer: “Gee, great round out there today. What’s it going to take to win this tomorrow?”

Golfer: “I just need to play within myself and stick to my game plan.”

Me: “Honey! Come quick! You got to hear this! He says he’s sticking to his game plan!”

And my personal favorite – “interviewing” and thanking the sponsor. Nothing quite says it’s time to get a beer like seeing the CEO of an insurance company weaseling his way onto your television screen. I guess when you spend millions of dollars hosting an event you can plaster your mug wherever you please but seriously, it’s the EXACT SAME WORDS EACH AND EVERY WEEK. You think the golfers are bad interviews?

“We’re proud to be part of this tradition and we want to thank our thousands of hard working employees who are all hard at work while I’m here at this beautiful resort and, oh yes, charity is the real winner this week.”

Put the DVR on warp speed fast forward!

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